Ethical Dilemmas

I have developed the following proverb:

 "If you don't want your children to know that you do shitty things, then don't do shitty things."

Poetic, I know.

I frequently have to hold my tongue in regard to this proverb when it comes to my 3yo daughter's father, Andrew.  I try to shelter Meike from our drama as much as possible, I really do.  But he does some really shitty things and she sees it.  My father is positive that Meike will grow up to hate Andrew.  For Meike's sake, I really hope not.  I hope that Andrew realizes what he is doing before he does irreparable damage to his relationship with Meike.

I'm writing about this because there is a particular incidence of "shitty things" going on right now.  Andrew is flying with Meike up to NJ on Wednesday.  The trip is a gift from Andrew's mother and all of her gifts come with strings.  It's something I learned well during our brief relationship.  Andrew and his family are going to some sort of Rutgers' game (he's an alumnus) on Saturday, I believe.  Andrew offered to let my mother pick up Meike for the day, rather than get a babysitter.  My mother, and the rest of my family, were elated to have the opportunity to see Meike.  Andrew's family has a lot more money than mine and, consequently, they get to see Meike more frequently.

Then Andrew ran this scenario by his mother. Dun-dun-dun....  She was very upset and did not want Meike to spend time with her maternal relatives when she was paying for the trip.  Some "gift," eh?  And as Andrew put it, "She paid for the tickets, so..."  So...he'll do what she tells him to.  This is the third time that Andrew has interferred with Meike seeing my family.  I've tried to keep it from Meike, but what am I supposed to say to her?  She was looking forward to seeing my mother and other family members.  It was, to say the least, a moral dilemma. 

I decided not to take the fall for Andrew and his mother.  I decided to tell Meike the truth, in as brief terms as possible.  I explained to her that she was no longer going to get to see her Grammy Suzy (my mother) and I told her why, because she explicitly asked.  Meike was devastated.  The worst part is that she talked to Andrew about it and he told her that I was lying to her. 

I left it at that.  I am not going to have Meike going back and forth between us getting different stories and dealing with us each saying the other parent is not telling her the truth.  This puts me in a real ethical dilemma.  In the future, do I cover for Andrew to avoid him lying to Meike about the shitty things he does?  Do I tell her the truth and let him (and her) suffer the consequences.  I don't know.  I wish I didn't have to choose.