Sex [Part 2]

Does all of this mean I'll be taking my family on nudist retreats to the nearest hippy lodge? Hell, no. Am I pretty terrified of having to discuss actual sexuality issues with a preschooler? Hell, yes.

Well, I wasn't terrified until I read this on the Advocates for Youth website:

What Families Need to Do to Raise Sexually Healthy Children
To help four- to five-year-old children develop a healthy sexuality, families should:

• Help children understand the concept of privacy and that talk about sexuality is private and occurs at home.
• Teach correct names of the major body parts (internal and external) and their basic functions.
• Explain how babies "get into" the mother's uterus.
• Encourage children to come to them or other trusted adults for information about sexuality.

The first one...Ok, I can do that. I've talked to Meike about certain body parts being private and that other people shouldn't touch them. But even then, I wonder- Is this going to embed a subconsious aversion to letting people touch her when she's an adult? Should I word this differently? Am I totally fucking this kid up?

Names of body parts. Got it. Uterus? Yeah, that's her "Baby Maker." That's as far as I'm going. INSERT UTERUS PILLOW This conversation actually came up a little while ago when Meike was asking if our cat was a good mommy. When I told her that she never had babies, Meike asked if that made the cat sad. I explained that the cat doesn't know she can't have babies, so she doesn't care (as if she'd care anyway). That eventually rolled into Meike wanting to know why the cat can't reproduce. My eloquent response? "Because she doesn't have a 'Baby Maker.'" End of discussion.

Luke also has a "Baby Maker." When Meike and Luke first started taking baths together, Meike pointed to his testicles (I really had to work hard not to say 'balls') and wanted to know what they were. Curiousity is a sign of intelligence, right? Sigh. So, that's his "Baby Maker." I think, altogether, Meike is exceptionally informed about her internal and external anatomy, as well as her brother's. Peapods, tee-pees (penis), and baby makers...What more could she ask for, really?

Now, this next step is a doosie- Explain how babies "get into" the mother's uterus. Um, Advocates for Youth, I'm going to needa minute for this one. I can't think of a way to explain this in a vague and disconnected way that in no way involves the idea of genitals touching. Oh, wait. It's says "four- to five-year old." Awesome. That gives me a year to forget how much of an impact this documentary had on me so that I can avoid having this conversation for another ten years.

Travelling with Baby: Entertainment

There were several factors that came into play while I was considering what to bring on the airplane to entertain Luke (13mos). He loves to explore and climb, so I knew this was going to be particularly challenging for him. Best case scenario-he sleeps. Worst case scenario-I need to keep him occupied for three hours while keeping him relatively immobile. I was not as worried about Meike (4yo), because she is pretty good at entertaining herself when necessary.

For both of my kids, I wanted toys that were relatively self-contained, lightweight, and compact. Meike has to carry her own carry-on, so everything she brings has to fit in a child-sized backpack. Luke loves to throw things, so I didn't want to bring anything with small parts or that would roll easily. Anything messy, like Play-Doh or pipe cleaners, was out of the question. I was not going to be chasing toys up and down the aisles and under seats. In order to maximize the amount of time that each toy would keep my kids occupied, I bought new toys that I kept hidden until we were on the airplane.

Here's what I bought for Luke:

Ravensburger Ribbon Puzzle - The puzzle pieces are attached to the board by ribbon and there are other 3-D aspects to the puzzle that are fun (in this case, fuzzy ears). The puzzles are inexpensive and lightweight.

Alma's Designs Goodnight Book - This company makes a bunch of really awesome toys for travel. The book has a completely detachable bear that interacts with each bag. On the pages featured in the picture below, for instance, baby can give the bear a bath (includes a bar of soap that Luke likes to rub on the bear) and dry him off. The toothbrush and toothpaste come completely out of the book; Luke preferred "brushing" his own teeth to brushing those of the little bear. The only drawback for this product is the price. I thought $30 was pretty expensive, but it did keep Luke busy for 30 minutes at a time and he kept coming back to it.

Barron's Going Shopping - This is another soft book (more reasonably priced at $16.95) with detachable items. The features a store where your child can "go shopping." There is a little grocery bag included. Each page is a different type of store; there's even a fish market with a fish tank that has to be opened to get the fish out. Your child puts each item in the grocery bag. The last page represents your home, with a pocket drawer and opening refrigerator. There are velcro spots so you can help your child put the items away where they belong. Like the previous book, this one zips completely shut so nothing falls out.


GeoMag: G-Baby Sea - These are large magnetic pieces that are frankly pretty awesome. There are different sized and themed sets. The set that I got Luke includes a center block as a foundation to stack the other pieces on; it even has divets so the rounded pieces can be placed into some of the sides. It came with four rubbery sea animals that fit over the rounded half-circle pieces. This goes against my no-rolling policy and there are 11 pieces in the set I bought. But, the amount of fun that Luke has playing with these far outweighs the potential annoyances. Plus, they are very brightly colored and large-ish, so they're easy to find if they roll away. I have to admit they are kind of expensive, but they entertained Luke far longer than anything else I bought.


Here's what I bought for Meike:


Big Book of Monster Stickers - Lots of people recommended crayons and paper/coloring books. I really don't want to have to keep track of crayons; stickers take up less space. This book is cool because it has games and puzzles; you don't just randomly put stickers anywhere. Stickers are grouped together and associated with particular pages. Some of the activities included pattern completion, finding the twin monster, grouping monsters by color, etc. Nothing in the book requires a drawing utensil. I'm pretty sure all kids love stickers.


iPad - Granted, I didn't actually buy this for Meike- it was my Mother's Day present. It's purpose is pretty self-explanatory. I uploaded movies onto my computer and then downloaded them to the iPad via iTunes. This is much more compact than carrying around a DVD-player and a bunch of DVDs. Plus, there's a bunch of games that Meike can play. Now, what am I going to do on the plane?


Kids Headphones - I splurged on these. I have plenty of adult headphones in every shape and style, but none of them work for Meike. The earbuds don't fit or fall out; the full headphones are too large and slide back and off of her head; she hates the clip-ons for some reason. These are comfortable for Meike and they're cute.


Sticker Dolly Dressing: Around the World - Another sticker book. Usborne Books makes a lot of really great sticker books, some that are even appropriate for Luke (I have to peel the stickers and help him with it, obviously). This one is great because it teaches Meike about different world customs associated with clothing. She gets to dress a couple for a traditional Japanese wedding and it explains the different pieces of clothing and the order in which they are supposed to be applied. Meike has a little trouble with the shoes sometimes, but otherwise she can do this unassisted.


IPlay Peek-A-Boo Bag - This is similar to the Find It games, but comes in a smaller pouch and is made for a  younger age range. These are great because the list of items to find includes pictures for non-readers. The tag snaps onto the back of the pouch when not in use. I also found a mom who makes a similar product from home.

Sex [Part 1]

I'm going to write this in a few segments because, honestly, I have a lot to say and I think you would get bored and give up if you had to read it all in one go.

I know it is a little early to be thinking about sex when it comes to my kids.  Although... Luke does really like attention from the ladies-when we're out to eat, he'll scream at women until they smile and coo at him. I digress. Let me preface this potential lecture by informing you that I have bouts of insomnia that lead to me watching A LOT of documentaries. Most recently, I watched a really great film called, "Let's Talk About Sex."

Shockingly enough, I am very open and comfortable with sex and sexuality (those of you who know me well are probably rolling your eyes and/or smirking). It is very important to me that my children not be encumbered by shame, fear, or ignorance regarding sexuality as they grow older. I am already making an effort to encourage conversations about this topic to be casual and normal in my household.

I can already hear you shouting at me. "WHAT?! You talk about sex with your 4 year-old?!"

Maybe this is the way to do it.

Let me clarify. No, I do not talk about sex with my 4 year-old. I DO talk about our bodies, anatomy, gender roles, and sexual orientation to an extent and in a manner that is appropriate for Meike's age. For example, Meike knows that she has a vagina, which we call a "peapod" (because it's hilarious). It wasn't a topic that I broached; Meike asked and I answered. She also knows that babies come out of vaginas, but that is the extent of the detail of her knowledge.

The first time I ever gave one iota of thought to the inevitability of talking to Meike about sex occured sometime last year. She was in the bath. Out of nowhere, she pointed to her clitoris and asked me what it was. I think I vomitted a little in my mouth. I tried to avoid answering the question; hoping she just meant the general region.

My first response went something like, "That's your peapod." She wanted more specific information. "No Mommy, what's THIS part, right HERE." At that point, I was sweating and bright red. "Um, that's um, that's your clitoris. Ready for me to wash your hair? No? How about we put some color tablets in the water...What color do you want?" She ignored my attempt to quickly change the topic and shouted, "I HAVE A CLIFFORD-IS." Images of the preschool calling me the next day informing me that my child was running around telling people about her "clifford-is" ran through my mind.

Luckily (for me, at least), she hasn't ever talked about or inquired about that part of her anatomy again. When I talked to Meike's dad about it, curious if she'd asked him any questions, he asked me why I even answered her. I wish I had an purposeful and empowering response, but all I said was, "I didn't know what to say. I was flustered. It just came out."

In hindsight, I'm glad I told her. And it's kind of a funny story. I want Meike to be able to ask questions and talk to me about that kind of stuff. Now when she asks questions, I want to be able to talk to her in a calm casual manner. While, at this point, giving her the minimum amount of information necessary to satisfy her curiosity.

I DON'T HATE MY MOM, PEOPLE!!!

Okay, deep breath. I'm going to explain my post Hey Mom! I'm better than You!, before I start getting death threats.

I know that there are crappy people out there, but some of you seem to have confused me for one of them. I still don't see it, but even my family seems to have thought I was serious. EVERYTHING I WRITE IS SARCASTIC AND MEANT TO BE FUNNY.

Let me break it down for you:

1. You were really good at scraping out all of the cookie dough/brownie mix/cake batter out of the bowl and off of the spoons. I am EXCELLENT at leaving enough in the bowl to make my kids think they lucked out when I let them lick it all out.
Do you really think, if I was going to compain about the wrongs of my childhood, my foremost concern would be brownie mix? This statement is the entire reason that I wrote this post. My daughter and I were making brownie bites for Father's Day and she kept asking to lick the bowl. It made me think about how my own mother always scraped those bowls meticulously and, at the time, I wished that she had not done such a good job of it.



2. I never allowed my sister (I KNOW I don't have one-whose fault is that, eh?) to tack all of my daughter's stuffed animals on her wall as some sort of macbre decoration. Therefore, my daughter never had to lie awake at night thinking about how pissed off those things must be up there and imagining them climbing down and eating her if she fell asleep. What kind of parent does that to their child?
Sure, I hate my mom for not birthing more female children. It's like reverse-China up in here. On no, I'm being sarcastic again. Everyone is now going to think that I hate male children, too! I can't win. Honestly, I did really lay there at night staring at those stuffed animals and imagining them come to eat me. I think I was 3yo. Even so, is this a reason I hate my mom? No. Because...I DON'T HATE MY MOM.

3. I only resort to saying, "Because I said so," when I've given a legitimate answer to the same question three consequtive times to no avail. I never use it as a response to a stupid question.
This is one of those things that I swore I'd never do. My point is that I also do, no matter how much I hate it. And I do as a response to stupid questions. There's that sarcasm again.

4. I don't issue hollow threats. When I say I'm going to throw away any toys that don't get picked up. I will SERIOUSLY put them all in a garbage bag and hide them in the garage.
Yes, I know that in reality putting toys in the garage is also am empty threat. That's the point.


5. I didn't have to move my kids to Texas so they could enjoy the toasty weather, playful fire ants, and excellent public school system. Mine got to be born here.
Just to clarify-the weather is swealtering, not toasty; fire ants are most definitely not playful; the public school system in Texas is one of the worst in the nation. And yes, Rob (my brother), points for pointing out that you and my younger brother were, actually, also born in Texas. One person commented that I'm dumb because I think the Texas public schools rock. Because I'm not sarcastic or anything.
6. I bought this crib toy after carefully weighing 50+ options because I wanted it to reflect my son's classic vintage style (not because it was $2 at a resale and I remembered it). You probably bought it because it was the only thing available at the time.
It's written in there! I bought this toy because it was $2 at a resale and I remembered it from my childhood. The only "style" my 1yo has is the style with which he climbs on anything higher than his ankle. And I could hardly blame my mother for the fact that there was less plastic crap 25 years ago then there is now. Come on, people.

All-in-all, I'm sorry Mom that you also misinterpretted this post and it was upsetting for you. It's meant to be entertaining, not malicious. In my "About Me" section, I state that I am incredibly sarcastic, to a fault (apparently). I don't want people upset. I specifically wrote the title to be provocative. And, hey, it worked- that post has generated more traffic for my blog than anything else I've ever written. So now I guess I have to write "THIS IS SARCASTIC AND NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY" at the top of every single thing that I write.

Sorry about the formatting errors and potential spelling errors. I wrote this quickly because I am leaving to take my kids to the zoo. You know, because I'm a horrible mom and all that.

Does this wife-beater come in size 12mo?

Luke's new favorite thing to do, besides climb on anything taller than his ankle, is to hit.  He likes to slap my chest while he's nursing. When I stopped him from doing that, he tried hitting his head a few times instead. Apparently, Luke doesn't find hitting himself all that fun.

Meike took a nap on the couch today. Luke was only having so much of that. She is his personal entertainment curator, after all. What's the best way to wake a sister up? Slap her in the face repeatedly and stick your finger up her nose. Fingers in the eye are also pretty effective.

I think he's learning that other people, oddly enough, are not fond of being hit. Luke has even generalized this to the cat in a somewhat sociopathic manner. He knows she likes to be pet, so when she comes near him, he says, "Awwwww." He pets her gently. She purrs and rubs against him. He hugs her. It's very adorable. And then, he strikes. He snatches a handful of her hair and skin, throws himself on top of her, and bops her on the head until she manages to scramble out from under him. 

Maybe I was wrong with the sherpa prediction. Maybe he's leaning more towards crocodile wrestling at this point in his life.

Hey Mom! I'm better than you!

*Update: THIS ENTIRE THING IS SARCASTIC AND NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!


Dear Mom,

This is going to be a hard truth moment. I've recently realized that I am SIX times (I like to be mathmatically accurate) the Mom you ever were. Put your big girl panties on for this one.

Here are the facts:

1.  You were really good at scraping out all of the cookie dough/brownie mix/cake batter out of the bowl and off of the spoons. I am EXCELLENT at leaving enough in the bowl to make my kids think they lucked out when I let them lick it all out.

2.  I never allowed my sister (I KNOW I don't have one-whose fault is that, eh?) to tack all of my daughter's stuffed animals on her wall as some sort of macbre decoration. Therefore, my daughter never had to lie awake at night thinking about how pissed off those things must be up there and imagining them climbing down and eating her if she fell asleep. What kind of parent does that to their child?

3.  I only resort to saying, "Because I said so," when I've given a legitimate answer to the same question three consequtive times to no avail. I never use it as a response to a stupid question.

4.  I don't issue hollow threats. When I say I'm going to throw away any toys that don't get picked up. I will SERIOUSLY put them all in a garbage bag and hide them in the garage.

5.  I  didn't have to move my kids to Texas so they could enjoy the toasty weather, playful fire ants, and excellent public school system. Mine got to be born here.

6.  I bought this crib toy after carefully weighing 50+ options because I wanted it to reflect my son's classic vintage style (not because it was $2 at a resale and I remembered it). You probably bought it because it was the only thing available at the time.

But Mom, just know that despite your stark failures as a parent and my obvious successes therein, I still love you!

I DON'T REALLY HATE MY MOM!

Conversations with Meike

WARNING: This is a somewhat morbid, albeit hilarious, conversation. Context: Meike and I are discussing new cuisine. Meike is particularly disturbed by Jonathan's consumption of baby octopuses. Meike: That's mean to take the babies away from the mommies. Where do they get them? Me: I don't know. Maybe an octopus farm where the mommy octopuses have their babies and then the farmers take them away to eat them. Meike: Does that make the mommy octopuses sad? Me: Maybe. I would be sad if someone took Lukey away to eat him after he was born. I would cry every day. Meike: I would buy you a present. Then you would feel better. Me: I think I would still feel sad. Meike: I would try to make you a baby. Me: How would you do that? Meike: With paper. And plastic. (pause) And rubber and skin.

Luke will be my Death

I'm pretty sure that when Luke goes to sleep at night, he dreams about ways to give me a heart attack. Luke is the reason that people turn to baby proofing companies rather than just doing the common sense stuff. Luke is the reason that THESE exist.

I didn't understand all the extensive baby proofing stuff before Luke. I had a pretty laissez-faire attitude about it all. I thought it was for people who didn't bother actually watching their kids. I put the obligatory outlet covers around the apartment (where we were living at the time) when Meike was a baby. Oh, and a bumper on the coffee table- she just ripped it off AND it was hideous AND it left an impenetrable trail of goo).

Enter Luke. Here is just a sampling of his craziest stunts:

The whole family was in the living room. Jonathan and I were snuggling on the couch while the kids played. I kissed Jonathan and looked up to find Luke STANDING ON THE PLAY KITCHEN. In hindsight, I wish I had gotten a picture. At the time, I screamed and grabbed him. He couldn't get back up again. I'm still not sure how he did it. He couldn't even stand yet!

It was 5am. I blocked off the living room and fell half asleep on the couch while Luke ate Cheerios and played on the floor. I looked up and saw Luke standing up and pushing his swing back and forth. I blinked (my eyes were possibly closed for a minute or two) and Luke was sitting in the swing. How the hell did he get in there? The seat is at his head level!

Our coffee table has "hidden storage" drawers at each end. Luke pulled out a drawer, climbed into said drawer, and used that as a stepping stool up to the glass-topped coffee table proper. He did this one time, which was apparently all he really needed to get the logistics down. The very next day, he slapped his palms down on the glass top and just hauled himself up. And then stood up, obviously.

Luke stacked up his two stuffed animals in an attempt to jump over the side of his crib. He may or may not have been suicidal due to breast milk withdrawal.

I'm starting the think that Luke may have baby teleportation superpowers.

Conversations with a Four-year Old

I'm going to honor you all with weekly postings of life-changing interviews with Meike. I'm fairly certain she's going to take over the world some day... Or, at least Texas. Me: If you were the President, what would you do to make the world a better place? Meike: Helping things. Me: What kind of "helping things?" Meike: Food. Me: What about food? Meike: I would give the people it. Me: What kind of food? Meike: Milk. And cookies. I would have all kinds of milk. Buttermilk pie, too. The President would drive it to their houses.