Hey Mom! I'm better than you!

*Update: THIS ENTIRE THING IS SARCASTIC AND NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!


Dear Mom,

This is going to be a hard truth moment. I've recently realized that I am SIX times (I like to be mathmatically accurate) the Mom you ever were. Put your big girl panties on for this one.

Here are the facts:

1.  You were really good at scraping out all of the cookie dough/brownie mix/cake batter out of the bowl and off of the spoons. I am EXCELLENT at leaving enough in the bowl to make my kids think they lucked out when I let them lick it all out.

2.  I never allowed my sister (I KNOW I don't have one-whose fault is that, eh?) to tack all of my daughter's stuffed animals on her wall as some sort of macbre decoration. Therefore, my daughter never had to lie awake at night thinking about how pissed off those things must be up there and imagining them climbing down and eating her if she fell asleep. What kind of parent does that to their child?

3.  I only resort to saying, "Because I said so," when I've given a legitimate answer to the same question three consequtive times to no avail. I never use it as a response to a stupid question.

4.  I don't issue hollow threats. When I say I'm going to throw away any toys that don't get picked up. I will SERIOUSLY put them all in a garbage bag and hide them in the garage.

5.  I  didn't have to move my kids to Texas so they could enjoy the toasty weather, playful fire ants, and excellent public school system. Mine got to be born here.

6.  I bought this crib toy after carefully weighing 50+ options because I wanted it to reflect my son's classic vintage style (not because it was $2 at a resale and I remembered it). You probably bought it because it was the only thing available at the time.

But Mom, just know that despite your stark failures as a parent and my obvious successes therein, I still love you!

I DON'T REALLY HATE MY MOM!