I DON'T HATE MY MOM, PEOPLE!!!

Okay, deep breath. I'm going to explain my post Hey Mom! I'm better than You!, before I start getting death threats.

I know that there are crappy people out there, but some of you seem to have confused me for one of them. I still don't see it, but even my family seems to have thought I was serious. EVERYTHING I WRITE IS SARCASTIC AND MEANT TO BE FUNNY.

Let me break it down for you:

1. You were really good at scraping out all of the cookie dough/brownie mix/cake batter out of the bowl and off of the spoons. I am EXCELLENT at leaving enough in the bowl to make my kids think they lucked out when I let them lick it all out.
Do you really think, if I was going to compain about the wrongs of my childhood, my foremost concern would be brownie mix? This statement is the entire reason that I wrote this post. My daughter and I were making brownie bites for Father's Day and she kept asking to lick the bowl. It made me think about how my own mother always scraped those bowls meticulously and, at the time, I wished that she had not done such a good job of it.



2. I never allowed my sister (I KNOW I don't have one-whose fault is that, eh?) to tack all of my daughter's stuffed animals on her wall as some sort of macbre decoration. Therefore, my daughter never had to lie awake at night thinking about how pissed off those things must be up there and imagining them climbing down and eating her if she fell asleep. What kind of parent does that to their child?
Sure, I hate my mom for not birthing more female children. It's like reverse-China up in here. On no, I'm being sarcastic again. Everyone is now going to think that I hate male children, too! I can't win. Honestly, I did really lay there at night staring at those stuffed animals and imagining them come to eat me. I think I was 3yo. Even so, is this a reason I hate my mom? No. Because...I DON'T HATE MY MOM.

3. I only resort to saying, "Because I said so," when I've given a legitimate answer to the same question three consequtive times to no avail. I never use it as a response to a stupid question.
This is one of those things that I swore I'd never do. My point is that I also do, no matter how much I hate it. And I do as a response to stupid questions. There's that sarcasm again.

4. I don't issue hollow threats. When I say I'm going to throw away any toys that don't get picked up. I will SERIOUSLY put them all in a garbage bag and hide them in the garage.
Yes, I know that in reality putting toys in the garage is also am empty threat. That's the point.


5. I didn't have to move my kids to Texas so they could enjoy the toasty weather, playful fire ants, and excellent public school system. Mine got to be born here.
Just to clarify-the weather is swealtering, not toasty; fire ants are most definitely not playful; the public school system in Texas is one of the worst in the nation. And yes, Rob (my brother), points for pointing out that you and my younger brother were, actually, also born in Texas. One person commented that I'm dumb because I think the Texas public schools rock. Because I'm not sarcastic or anything.
6. I bought this crib toy after carefully weighing 50+ options because I wanted it to reflect my son's classic vintage style (not because it was $2 at a resale and I remembered it). You probably bought it because it was the only thing available at the time.
It's written in there! I bought this toy because it was $2 at a resale and I remembered it from my childhood. The only "style" my 1yo has is the style with which he climbs on anything higher than his ankle. And I could hardly blame my mother for the fact that there was less plastic crap 25 years ago then there is now. Come on, people.

All-in-all, I'm sorry Mom that you also misinterpretted this post and it was upsetting for you. It's meant to be entertaining, not malicious. In my "About Me" section, I state that I am incredibly sarcastic, to a fault (apparently). I don't want people upset. I specifically wrote the title to be provocative. And, hey, it worked- that post has generated more traffic for my blog than anything else I've ever written. So now I guess I have to write "THIS IS SARCASTIC AND NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY" at the top of every single thing that I write.

Sorry about the formatting errors and potential spelling errors. I wrote this quickly because I am leaving to take my kids to the zoo. You know, because I'm a horrible mom and all that.